Celebrate the 2000th anniversary of the birth of Our Lord by sending your loved ones a special seasonal message:

SWEARY DINOSAURS

CHRISTMAS CARDS

Foul-mouthed Mesozoic reptiles badly drawn by Richard Freeman

These cards are fuckin` great honest!

CARD NUMBER ONE: THE VULGAR TRICERATOPS

TRICERATOPS: A thirty foot long creature from the Upper Cretaceous. It weighed about ten tonnes and it`s name means (literally) "Three Horned Face". It was a herbivore and lived in large herds. It used its horns for defence against predators and was the principal prey species of T.rex.

SOAPY TIT WANK: A sexual practise where the male partner is brought to orgasm by rubbing his erect penis between the breasts of his female partner who has covered her mammary glands with soap or another slippery substance.

CARD NUMBER TWO: THE ODIOUS OPISTHOCOELICAUDA

OPISTHOCOELICAUDA: A sauropod dinosaur from the late Cretaceous period in southern Mongolia. Its name means "Tail vertebrae cupped at the back". It was a herbivore and would have had a life style similar to a giraffe, living in herds and browsing from the tree tops.

FANNY FART: A vulgar expression for when air is caught in the vagina during sexual intercourse and escapes making a humorous noise that is often offputting during the more tender moments of love-making.

CARD NUMBER THREE: THE DISREPUTABLE OURANOSAURUS

OURANOSAURUS: A close relative of the more familiar Iguanadon which lived in the early Cretaceous. Its fossils have been found in the west African country of Niger. It was 23 feet long, a plant eater and it bore a large crest running down its back which was probably used for thermoregulation.

BIG DOG`S COCK: The genitals of a particularly large canid. Conversely the term could be used to describe the outsized genitals of a smaller member of the canidae.

CARD NUMBER FOUR: THE UNPLEASANT NEOVENATOR

NEOVENATOR: A recently discovered carnosaur whose fossils have been found on the Isle of Wight. It had a skull shaped like the bill of a puffin and it was 28 feet in length and quite gracile.

MARMITE MINER: He who strolls down Bourneville Avenue. qv. Brown hatter; Uphill Gardener; Turd Burglar etc.

CARD NUMBER FIVE: THE RUDE TUOJIANGOSAURUS

TUOJIANGOSAURUS: A Stegosaur from the late Jurassic, its fossils have been found in China. It was herbivorous and defended itself against predators with spines on its tail and it had a double row of triangular spikes along its back that were used for thermoregulation.

FANNY BATTER: A vulgarism used to describe vaginal secretions, especially those produced during periods of sexual excitement.

CARD NUMBER SIX: THE NASTY TYRANNOSAURUS REX

TYRANNOSAURUS REX: Its name means "Tyrant Lizard King" and it is undoubtedly the most famous dinosaur. It was the largest and most savage of the meat eating dinosaurs. It lived in the Upper Cretaceous of North America, and a specimen found in 1998 appeared to have been 70 feet long, 30 feet tall and would have weighed 20 tonnes.

INCEST FUCK TOY: A crude term for a sexual partner (usually juvenile - at least according to various Internet newsgroups) who is too closely related to have a legal marriage.

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