ISMO

The world's only FREE music magazine edited by a bunch of semi insane sociopaths who do odd things as they write.... (allegedly)

Full of sex, drugs, rock and roll and amodicum of personal abuse it is supposed to come out each week but in reality doesn`t, but you ain`t paying for it so who cares? We certainly don`t.......

Issue 27: 8 June 1999


CONTENTS:

WEIRD SCENES INSIDE T`GOLDMINE: Australian Plagiarist, Dope as Fuel, Boyzone and Andrew Lloyd Webber ripoff obscure industrial grunge outfit, other stuff we put in here and there......

THE GOSSIPPING HEN: Robbie Williams, Madonna, The Rolling Stones,Jay Kay and co, Oasis and anyone esle the little hen can think of....

MISSING LINKS: Bobby Zimmerman

CD REVIEWS section. The Fall, John Ellis, Adrian Wagner, Nancy Wilson

TWITCHY THE TRAMP judges a beauty pageant


EDITED AND COMPILED BY Mr Slutto, Siggsworthy Craggs and Atilla the Hen


THE GOSSIPING HEN

Atilla - our intrepid capon - reveals the results of a few days spent hanging around in bars, listening at windows, and blagging drinks off P.R. men...

* So the highly over-rated Robbie Williams feels it necessary to tell the world that he ISN`T shagging Madonna. This, following hoton the heels of the debacle concerning the ITV Evening News and UK Teletext treating the break up of `Wet Wet Wet` as some kind of bona fide news item is just one more example of how

a) The doings of third rate entertainers are given far more credence than they deserve by our increasingly trite and shallow society

b) The mass media are so used to using the shallowest of news stories concerning the aforementioned minor talents that they begin to believe the hype themselves

c) Errrrrrm I`ve forgotten the rest

* Finally The Rolling Stones have deigned to visit these shores with the new tour. Kewl! the last live album was pretty good and I would not be surprised to hear that the shows were (at the very worst) polished, professional and highly entertaining. However this ain`t what I want to bitch about.

Did anyone see the impossibly boring Bill Wyman together with Georgie Fame on daytime TV the other day. What timing eh? They take their R&M band on tour at the same time as the Stones in order to cash in on the sales of Stones tour tickets, and Bill Wyman gets yet another chance to try for some spurious credibility as he tells everyone (yet again) how he was a friend of Marc Chagall. Oh yes, he`s just written ANOTHER book about him.....

* So Jay Kay`s (I can never spell the name of his band and they`re not very good on the whole so I can`t be bothered to learn how) bass player (and now boyfriend of one of `All Saints` I believe claims to be suing his former band for loss of royalties. The funny thing is that although the story appeared in The Sun (wow, it must be the truth we all say here in the office disbelievingly) no-one is prepared to either confirm or deny it.....weird huh?

* New peers of pedo pop, `Mavin and Tamara` have sent out their press releases claiming that listening to this record reminds everyone quite how much fun it is to be fourteen. When I was fourteen (more years ago than I care to remember) I was miserable as buggery and so this analogy didn`t really ring a bell in the hen house but the record is rather good in a jolly summery sort of way......

* Oasis have a new album at the mixing stage and it`s coming out next year. Wow!!! Forgive me if I am slightly underwhelmed by this news. They are a third rate band of Beatles copyists and never have been more than slightly talented. The news that one of the Gallagher Brothers is complaining that the other one has not been any fun since he stopped drinking has left me totally unimpressed. God, is this what passes for news these days? I suppose, however, by printing this stuff as `news` opurselves we are still merely propogating this culture of mediocrity...

* Now for some REAL NEWS........

THE ROTTENTROLLS ARE COMING BACK FOR A NEW SERIES ON CITV IN THE NEW YEAR!

The greatest TV show in the known universe is coming back for a fourth series and furthermore there will be a vide release of the material from series two in the autumn. For those folk who don`t know why the ISMO team make such a fuss about this peerless kids TV show try going to The Official Web Site or A unofficial fan club

Why this TV show ain`t universally adored as being the best thing since.......erm, whatever the last best thing was....I don`t know, but if we actually understood these things we would be rich and famous and we would probably not be doing this magazine which means that you probably wouldn`t be reading this so there.

Once again, the gossipping hen has cometo the end of his ranting and so as he trots happily of into the sunset towards his little coop the world of the music industry can carry on as normal totally ignoring us all. Night Night!


SILLY STUFF OUR FRIEND NICHOLA SENT US

diagram of a brain - male

diagram of a brain - female


WEIRD SCENES INSIDE THE GOLDMINE

News items we`ve stolen from various places heh heh heh

MY BOOMERANG WON`T COME BACK

The Independent - 23 October 1998

Aboriginal 'genius' was plagiarised

A classic of early anthropology, Myths and Legends of the Aborigines, has been exposed as a wholesale theft by its Scottish author, William Ramsay Smith, from indigenous Australia's greatest known genius.

Two researchers have discovered that David Unaipon, honoured today with his image on the back of Australia's fifty-dollar note, was paid just 150 pounds sterling for 29 pieces of writing by a Sydney publishing house, Angus and Robertson. One scion of the company, George Robertson, wrote to Ramsay Smith, then Australia's chief medical officer, that "quite a charming book can be made of them".

The resulting work, published in 1925 but still available and republished as recently as 1996, by Tiger Imprint under the title, Aborigine, is estimated to be as much as 90 per cent unaltered from Unaipon's original manuscript.

Readers will be able to judge for themselves next year when the researchers publish it in its entirety. One of them, Dr Stephen Muecke of the University of Technology in Sydney, said: "It's a story of appropriation. A bit like buying an Aboriginal painting, changing the colours a bit and putting your own name on it."

The episode represents fresh evidence of the way white Australia casually disregarded the continent's first human inhabitants. Unaipon, despite being a friend of Ramsay Smith, never received any credit. The writer's great great-nephew spoke to the Australian newspaper about his grandfather's recollections of "the old chap": "He never elaborated on it, just said it was stolen."

In a precursor to Australia's "stolen generation", when thousands of Aboriginal children were taken from their families in the post-war years, he was placed first at a Christian mission, then, singled out as "a bright lad", Dr Muecke said, with a young white family in Adelaide.

Dr Muecke, a professor of cultural studies, said Unaipon would not have sought to establish the stories as his own work anyway. Unlike many, his adoptive family was sufficiently enlightened to allow continuing contact with his own community and Unaipon became a tireless advocate for indigenous Australians to share the benefits of European civilisation, alongside their own.

CUE A STRING OF DOPE JOKES

All Gone To Pot - Cannabis Unlikely As Fuel
April 22 LONDON (Reuters)

Irish homes and businesses are unlikely to be powered by cannabis despite four years of encouraging research that shows the plant has real potential as a fuel crop, scientists said Thursday.

Cannabis sativa, or hemp, does not work economically as a biomass crop at the moment in Ireland said Bernard Rice of the government's Teagasc agricultural research agency. "As things stand, hemp is not a viable fuel. It tends to be wind power projects that pick up the tenders for renewable energy schemes. Hemp would have to be considerably cheaper to produce and burn in order to compete," he told Reuters.

Fears that burning the hemp might produce a narcotic effect are unfounded say experts. Hemp is the variety of cannabis sativa that contains hardly any of the drug delta-9 tetrahydrocannabiol (THC). "You would have to smoke a joint the size of a telegraph pole to experience any effects" said John Lowe, of hemp processing company Hemcore. When Teagasc started growing cannabis plants on 15 acres in 1995 around 20 percent of Irish land was set aside, land that could potentially have been used. But, over the last few years, this amount of set aside land has fallen and with it the prospects for cannabis to become a fuel crop have diminished.

There are other disadvantages to the crop, which experts believe is one of the first plants to be cultivated by man nearly 10,000 years ago. It grows to about nine to 10 feet presenting difficulties in harvesting. Special or modified equipment is needed, contributing to a higher end-cost, Rice said.

But for all the downsides, the crop has many selling points. It has good yield in comparison with other crops, burns very efficiently, producing low amounts of undesirable materials like sulfur. While the future of cannabis as a fuel looks dim, there are signs it will find a use as fiber board material. Teagasc is already cooperating with a local manufacturer who is pleased with the initial pilot scheme, although it has encountered logistical problems when accepting large consignments.

ELGAR BEATS FARADAY BY A WHISKER

Inventor Michael Faraday is to be chucked off from the back of 20 pound notes because he is not hairy enough. The Bank of England has announced that he is to be replaced by Edward Elgar because the composer's facial hair is harder for forgers to copy. A spokesperson for the bank said the idea was to keep designs as detailed as possible.

There are an estimated 600 million 20 pound notes in circulation in Britain and it's the most frequently forged denomination.

BOYZONE V NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS

Exclusive!
COPYCAT SCAM EXPOSED!

Where did Boyzones' 1998 international hit "No Matter" come from?

Was it really penned by multi-millionaire Andrew Lloyd Webber and Jim Steinman, or did the song really come from a penniless underground techno group?

Nigel Ayres, Nocturnal Emissions mainman comments:

No matter what they told you
No matter what they sold you
No matter what they trained you to believe
This is the truth, youth....

Read the full story in his own inimitable words at: Click Here or be eternally damned ...


MISSING LINKS: BOB DYLAN

Each issue we look at what's online and try to distinguish between the dross and the decent stuff....

This week the chicken has just bought CD reissues of `Desire` and `John Wesley harding` and is driving the rest of the ISMO posse even more ape shit than they usually are so as they are already highly pissed off with him he is just gonna choose some poultry like web sites about stuff that amuses him with reference to the Big Zim


Bob Dylan - Bob Links - Winter and Spring 1999 Tour Guide
Bob Dylan's 1999 Tour Guide. by Bill Pagel. A unique poster listing the name of the venue will be sold at each show. There will be a limit of 150-300... Check it out

Bob Dylan - Bringing It All Back Homepage

Bob Dylan: Bringing It All Back Homepage is the first site on the Web dealing with Bob Dylan. Contents include: About This Site

Stories in the Press

* Come Writers and Critics
* According To Olof
* What Was It You Wanted?
* With the Music In My Ears
* Odds and Ends
* Genuine Basement Tapes
* The Story Behind Self Portrait
* Important Words
* Fixtures and Forces and Friends
* Friends and Other Strangers
* You Want To Talk To Me? Go Ahead and Talk

OK they need a sense of humour (something I`ve noticed about Dylan fanzines on paper as well) but this archive contains a veritable feast of rare stuff and is well worth checking out. Click here you bastards


THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UNLISTENABLE

(CD REVIEWS)

***** Brilliant!
**** Pretty damn' good
*** Average but no cigar, Mr President
** Could do better
* Shite


GALLERY VOLUME 3: DESTINATION EVERYWHERE

JOHN ELLIS

Soundart SAVP 103CD
* * *

Ellis, who worked with Peter Hammill in the aftermath of Van der Graaf Generator, hangs up his guitar for 70 minutes of laid-back 'sonic environments' composed at the behest of German multi-media artist Moishe Moser. K-Band this isn't; there are two more in this series to come, so if you don't like sparse meandering music or drones and clonks and electronic animals in the undergrowth then be warned. - Slutto.

GENESIS OF THE GRAIL KINGS
ADRIAN WAGNER
AW 006 * * *

Yeah it`s the grandson (or maybe the great grandson I can`t remember and we`ve lost the press release) of THAT Wagner presenting a mildly proggy concept album the way that Rick Wakeman (in his quieter moments) used to do before various people insisted that if he didn`t they`d give him a good kicking.

It is "based" (apparently, although having read the book it is difficult to see how) on the book of the same name by Sir Laurence gardener which is doing the rounds at the moment. It`s pretty good in fact if you like that sort of thing. The piano pieces work a damn sight better than the moody string synth bits and the passages with vocoder and odd noises should be avoided in their entirety. I quite like it but I`m glad that I didn`t pay for it. - Atilla the Hen

LIVE AT MCCABES GUITER SHOP
NANCY WILSON
EPIC 494451 * * * * (reviewed 30/4/99)

Its a stunning piece of proggy drum`n`bass trance dance stuff based around the complete works of Erich Von Daniken!!!

No, of course it isn`t. Its a slightly tedious middle aged singer somngwriter strumming her guitar and crooning in a pleasant manner as she makes a rare live appearance at her local guitar shop. It is pretty dull in places (she even does a Paul Simon song for gawd`s sake) but on the whole it ain`t too bad if you like that sort of thing and if I`m stoned enough I usually do.

BTW Nancy is not the daughter of loony Beach Boy Brian but is the one that used to be in a band called Heart that people largely forgot about two decades ago. Atilla the Hen

THE FALL

HEX EDUCATION HOUR

Cog Sinister COGVP 119CD

* *

Re-release (from 1982) of an album that I never liked the first time that it came out. I have to admit that whatever appeal that The Fall have - after all they are (or were) John Peel`s favourite group and the favourite band of a great deal of people whose opinion should probably be trusted has always eluded me completely. I have never understood why people like this spikey, wilfully inept punky art rock. Indeed, I have never understood whether the music is MEANT to be this inept or whether it is just that they can`t play. Thumbs down I'm afraid. Atilla the Hen


TWITCHY'S DITCH

Thoughts on life, love and music from Twitchy the Tramp in his tawdry little ditch..

I must be the luckiest tramp on earth as I was selected to be a judge in the 1999 Miss Riversleigh Park Contest. This sees Britain`s biggest collection of Bag lady Beauties and tempting trampettes gathered in one place ---- Nuneaton. Such insanitory dream boats set all brown blooded tramps hearts a flutter. Here is a run down of the luscious hags involved:

CREEPING TINA (age 67)
Ambitions: To travel and meet people.
Tina is a one eyed drab with a wall fixation. All her waking hours are spent shuffling along pressed against walls. If she has to cross a road she runs screaming to the next wall. If removed from a wall Creeping Tima will shriek until catatonic with panic. What a babe!

DENISE DISEASE (age 49)
Ambitions: To work with children
Denise collects diseases like other gals collect stamps. Her captivating skin diseases are badges of honour. Amongst her collection is pox, beri beri, yellow swamp fever, scrapie, and hard pad. Watch out boys,she loves to share!

YVONNE THE KERB SNUFFLER (Age 58)
Ambitions:To run a pony farm
Yvonne is a down to earth girl --- literally. She spends her time sniffing and drooling around kerbs and drains. Quite a wear on her belly! She enjoys lodging fag ends and pre-chewed gum in her hard working nostrils.

MOTTLED CLAUDIA (Age 67)
Ambitions: To model for Vidal Baboon
In her youth this silly filly was a freakshow tattooed lady. As age crept on and her flesh withered like a dead leaf, Claudia`s tattoos became a mish-mash of purple and blue blotches that sent Gents of the Road wild!!!

EDNA THE CHICKEN CHOKER (Age 72)
Ambitions: To act with Kevin Kostner
This wizened faced, snaggle toothed old hermit-crone was a one time co-worker with Mottled Claudia. As a circus geek she ate raw chicken heads bitten off the luckless poultry.....

Atilla the hen: `Ere, I don`t like the sound of that much

Edna has also gobbled anti-freeze, frogs, dog dirt, dead sheep and puddle scum. She currently works biting growths and cankers off other tramps. Watch yer warts boys!

TUMBLING MARY (Age 49)
Ambition: To release a hit single and sing a duet with Ronan Keating
Mary spent so much time pissed onmeths and cheap cooking sherry that she plum forgot how to walk but this didn`t stop that plucky Gal! She now rolls everywhere. This is a much more entertaining mode of perambulation. As she tumbles Mary constantly and frantically hums the theme tune to `The Great Egg race`. Why? Not even she knws the answer to that!

There was the `Evening Wear` round with piss stained cardigans, tatty and faded floral dresses that stanklike Billingsgate fish market and odd shoes stolen from displays outside shops. Then came the part of the night we`dall been waiting for --- Swimwear!

Around the slime filled paddling pool with its long defunct brick whale shaped fountain these heart-fluttering harridans paraded in bikinis made from old supermarket bags and used crisp packets. Finally, it was Mottled Claudia and her fascinating blotches that was crowned "Miss Riversleigh Park 1999". Her prize? Two weeks sealed in a septic tank with that scat breathed idiot Morrisey......


COMING SOON....

Iron Maiden compilation combined with a video game - review held over until we've fully explored it - We don't wanna go off at half-cock, do we? Especially if there's a chance of Postal-style mayhem to enjoy...


...AND WHY THE HELL NOT?

Since we began in Cyberspace we have been reprinting a potted history of this project since its roots as a badly photocopied fanzine thingy a decade ago. If you still want to read this stuff you can access it thru our web-site. If you are heartily sick of it (as we are) you don`t have to.

ISMO MAGAZINE IS, AND WILL REMAIN FREE. HOWEVER OFFERS OF SPONSORSHIP, GIFTS OF CASH, FREE RECORDS OR NUDIE BUM BUM PICTURES ARE ALWAYS GRATEFULLY ACCEPTED.

SEND YOUR NEWS TO US AT su2223@eclipse.co.uk

YOU CAN UNSUBSCRIBE AT ANY TIME BY E-MAILING US AT su2223@eclipse.co.uk