The world's only FREE weekly music magazine

Issue 17: 23th November 1998


The Gossiping Hen: U2, Suede, Geneva, The Spice Girls, Scott Walker, Portishead etc.....
Feature: The Nab Twins News: Marilyn Manson, The Great Christmas Pudding Mystery
Missing Links: Nick Cave, Psycho Drama, Kula Shaker
Twitchy the Tramp opens a Zoo
RECORD REVIEWS: Chris Isaac, Jonathan Richman, Boy George/Ministry of Sound, Elvis Costello

EDITED AND COMPILED BY Mr Slutto, Siggsworthy Craggs and Atilla the Hen

This week the web site may not be updated until the middle of the week due to weird shit beyond our control. Sorry......

(The magazine is sent out in e-mail text. HTM versions are usually available on our web site)

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There is a serious dearth of good news this week, and I can`t really be bothered to make it up.

* The new Portishead live CD is awesome, but we knew that already - a geezer from the studio played us a pre release copy (albeit with the tracks in a different order) a couple of months ago. What we can do however is reveal the truth behind one of the more enigmatic sleeve notes on this and the previous studio albums...

... 'The Fabulous Bailey Brothers' are two blokes who live in suburban Bristol and we went to visit them recently where they did a makeover on thic chickens `axe`. They repair and refurbish all sorts of musical instruments and have a house which is a veritable museum of rock`n`roll oddities. It includes the mixing desk on which the first hawkwind album was recorded and all sorts of bits and bobs, and some guitars to die for. Some people probably have. Nice guys.

* Still on Portishead it seems that the band are taking a protracted break after the release of the LIVE CD which is a pity because we have heard rumours that some of the new songs coming out of them are pretty damn good and the third studio album should be quite something.

* ENO has made a pronouncement about the forthcoming U2 album - saying that it is an album about joy rather than about doom and gloom. This bodes ill for the album which should eventually come out next year because after two stunning albums ('Achtung Baby' and 'Zooropa') and the sadly ignored 'Passengers' spin-off album the last CD 'Pop' was complete and utter bollocks, and was so self consciously cheerful it made you want to vomit. I have a horrid suspicion that ENO is warning us of more of the same.

It's weird how long ENO has been working with Bono and da boyz. Until now he has never worked with anyone for any great length of time but as far as I am aware he has been on every U2 album since the 'Unforgettable Fire' which was, I think, back in 1985. In the humble opinion of this particular capon ENOs best ever work was:

- The first two Roxy Music albums
- The Bryan Ferry CD that he co produced a few years ago that my ex-wife nicked
- Another Green World
- That ridiculous album about the sinking of the Titanic which featured a brass band playing `Abide with me` and a load of gurgling noises

Brian ENO is capable of much better stuff than the crowd pleasing stadium filling pap that U2 (who are, by the way a band of whom I have been inordinately fond), produced on the last album and I hope very much that both he and the band will get their proverbial shit together soon.

* ISMO faves Suede have a new album due next year and we await it with excited twitchings and droolings. They weathered the potential storm of the departure of guitarist and co-founder Bernard Butler without even a hiccup and it has to be said that their career is going much better than his at the moment. We can`t tell you what Bernies solo album is like because despite repeated requests no-one sent the bloody thing to us.

* We do have one question to ask NUDE records (home of the aforementioned SUEDE). What has happened to GENEVA? They produced three or four peerless singles and a pretty damn good debut album (SUEDE meets JOY DIVISION guys), and have then disappeared. have they split up? What has happened? We really should be told because they looked for a while as if they were gonna really take off.

* What has happened to the fabled SCOTT WALKER/NICK CAVE collaboration? Has it gone the same way as his rumoured work with DAVID SYLVIAN? The last we heard of Senor Engel, was that he sent a fax to NEIL HANNON asking for tickets to go and see THE DIVINE COMEDY. Whether he eventually went or not we have no idea, but if they were as crap as they were at Bristol Uni in September I bet the old recluse wished that he had stayed at home that night as well.

* Finally it sreems that there is family trouble vis a vis the blonde cute one from THE SPICE GIRLS. Her Uncle Tam is releasing a single as one of a group of SINGING MILKMEN. Yeah, right...

It's too cold in the office so I have truncated this week`s gossip and I'm going back upstairs to roost....


Apparently Psyco Drama (a band we have never heard of but who have a cool web site) have changed bass players. Check out their web page at or write

The rather wonderful KULA SHAKER have apparently got a new elpee due in the spring of 1999 so we went online to see if we could drum up some web sites for yer. We didn`t expect to find a whole web ring about the band:


"The Kula Shaker Ring: Kula Shaker webpages everywhere unite on this Kula Shaker webring. Got a page about the wonderful Kula Shaker? Then you are destined to add it to the Kula Shaker, ring, my friend. If you have already added your page to the ring, then you can come back here to find out news about any changes this webring might go through. Thanks a lot."

Another weird geezer of whom we are inordinately fond is Nick Cave. For all you ever wanted to know about the man who made Kylie hip go to Nick Cave FAQ



"Nicholas Edward Cave was born in Warracknabeal, Australia on 22/09/1957. His mother's name is Dawn, a librarian; his father Colin was an English teacher. He has two older brothers, Tim (1952) and Peter (1954) and a sister, Julie (1959). He was raised an Anglican, which explains the apparent influence of The Bible in his work. Nick Cave was living together with Viviane, born in Sao Paulo, Brazil, and has a son with her, Luke, born in 1991. Nick and Viviane split up and according to rumours, Nick has had some kind of an affair with PJ Harvey during the MB period. Other rumours have it that there is a second, older son in Australia named Jethro.

His education: Caulfield Grammar School, Melbourne and an Art School (Art department of Caulfield Institute of Technology, now Monash University) which he attended only two years. An example of Nick's art is on the back of the Birthday Party's "Prayers On Fire" album, signed "Nicholas Cave". At Caulfield Nick met Mick Harvey, with whom he founded a high-school band that would become The Boys Next Door. The first recording released by NC was "These Boots Are Made For Walking" in 1978, a single that was soon followed by the album "Door Door" the next year. The band consisted of Nick, Mick Harvey, Tracy Pew, Phillip Calvert and Rowland S. Howard (from 1979 on).

The Boys Next Door slowly dissolved into "The Birthday Party" in 1980 when the album of the same name came out: some copies stated "The Birthday Party by The Boys Next Door", others only "The Birthday Party". When they changed their name, the band moved from Australia to London. The Birthday Party had a huge impact on the British rock scene of that time, especially because of the expression of "raw emotion, wit and essential dumbness" (Mute Records' opinion) in their music, though it took some time for them to really break through. The LP "Prayers on Fire" was released in 1981, Junkyard" in 1982. The band moved to West-Berlin and fell apart in 1983 after releasing 3 studio albums and 2 EP's. Their last EP, "Mutiny", was the ultimate manifestation of the extremity of The BP's art. Here, Blixa Bargeld, from Einstuerzende Neubauten, appeared for the first time with Nick Cave.

Part of the BP members continued to form The Bad Seeds, recording the first NC&BS album in 1984: "From Her To Eternity". The line-up at this time was: Nick Cave, Blixa Bargeld (guitar), Mick Harvey (drums), Barry Adamson (guitar and piano), Hugo Race (guitar), Tracy Pew (bass, only during the Australian tour), with cooperation of Anita Lane. The name "Bad Seeds" may come either from the Bible (e.g. St. Matthew 13) or from the film "Bad Seed" by Mervin LeRoy, 1956, based on a play by Maxwell Anderson and a novel by William March.

The year 1985 saw the release of the second NC&BS album, "The Firstborn Is Dead". The Bad Seeds were now reduced to Cave, Harvey, Bargeld and Adamson. The song "Tupelo" from this album contains some of the initial ideas for the novel Cave would publish a few years later: "And The Ass Saw The Angel" (1989). In fact, the greater part of the songs written during the conception of ATASTA can be seen as parallels of the book (e.g. The Carny and Sad Waters from Your Funeral... My Trial). It is the story of a criminal idiot hounded by a lynch mob. The novel got very good reviews and was translated into ten languages.

The next year, 1986, two albums were released; one album, "Kicking Against The Pricks" was a compilation of covers of mainly blues songs. The Bad Seeds were extended by Thomas Wydler and there are guest appearances of Tracy Pew and Rowland S. Howard. The second album was "Your Funeral... My Trial", released on two EPs.

In 1988, Wim Wender's film "Der Himmel Ueber Berlin" ("Wings of Desire") saw the light of day, featuring "The Carny" and Nick doing "From Her to Eternity" live ("I'm NOT going to tell them about a girl..."). Other Wim Wenders films that feature NC's music are "Bis ans Ende der Welt (Until The End Of The World" and "Faraway... So Close", the follow-up to "Wings...".

The album "Tender Prey" was released in 1988. After this, Cave moved from Berlin to Sao Paolo, Brazil, where he had met Viviane Carneiro during a tour. The influence of Brazil is apparent in "The Good Son", the album released in 1990. The music is much more melodious and friendly than on any other album released before and is often said to express the Brazilian feeling of "saudade". Kid Congo Powers (Cramps, Gun Club) made his appearance as a member of the Bad Seeds on this album, although he already played in the band for a longer period, during the YFMT and KAtP times. In 1989, a film called "Ghosts... of the Civil Dead" was released, co-written by Nick, the soundtrack of which was written by Nick, acted in by Nick. It is a prison movie.

Not until 1992, the seventh album was released: "Henry's Dream", followed by a worldwide tour. Again, the line-up was changed: Nick, Blixa, Mick, Thomas, Martyn P. Casey and Conway Savage. The tour was used to record their only official live CD to be released in 1993: "Live Seeds". The CD was intended as a celebration of the ten years' existence of The Bad Seeds and is sold together with a photobook by Peter Milne. The book contains photographs from the 1992/3 tour.

During the spring of 1993, Nick Cave moved to London, where part of the ninth Bad Seeds album--"Let Love In" was recorded.

In 1996, "Murder Ballads" was released. The album contains songs which exclusively deal with the subject of murder. Record-breaker for the longest song by NC is "O' Malleys Bar", which lasts about a quarter of an hour. Duets are sung with P.J. Harvey and Kylie Minogue. Other artists featured are Shane McGowan and Warren Ellis (from The Dirty Three).

Apart from this, Nick Cave features on the compilation Album "Songs In The Key Of X", which has songs on it from the TV serial "The X-Files". Nick does "Red Right Hand" and can be found on a "Hidden Track" called "Time Jesum transeuntem et non reverendum" (Dread the passage of Jesus for he will not return) with The Dirty Three (see section 12).

Nick Cave was shortlisted for "Best Male Artist" of 1996 by MTV Music Awards. He declined the honour, stating that he did not want to compete with other people where Art was concerned.

1997 brought a new album, again, named "The Boatman's Call". As members of the Bad Seeds, now Warren Ellis and Jim Sclavunos are listed. The sound has changed radically, now. This time, all songs are rather quiet and modest. Some songs may even be called religious. For cave, this album marked the beginning of a new musical style in which he could express his feelings in a better way. A European tour started in April in France and ran through July. In November, a short Australian tour followed.

In 1998, the album "The Best of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds" was released, as well as a video compilation of several songs. The album contains selected songs, mainly chosen by Mick Harvey, but the other Bad Seeds contributed as well. Initial copies of the album contain a bonus-disc with live tracks from the concerts in Royal Albert Hall, 1997. A tour of the USA has started September 1998, which is the first time NC&tBS visit the USA in 7 years. Nick Cave is among 12 writers who have contributed forewords to books of the bible, which will be published in individual pocket editions by Canongate Press in Edinburgh in October. Cave joins a roster of heavyweight names that includes A S Byatt and Dr Jonathan Miller. Cave's contribution is an essay on the Gospel according to St Mark.


Peculiar music/art news from around the world



Peculiar music/art news from around the world


"He is the most hated and controversial rock star of his time, but is there any real substance to the multi-million selling, self-proclaimed Satanist who goes under the name Marilyn Manson? Brian Boyd enters the twilight zone to investigate

While everyone knows his name, few know any of his songs - such is the image-driven appeal of the newest "controversial" rock kid on the block, Marilyn Manson. There's nothing like learning the rock 'n' roll guide to myths and iconography to kick-start a career - except Manson has gone above and beyond the call of duty by contributing a few chapters himself.

Alongside the standard-issue sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll lifestyle, Manson also does a neat line in self-scarification, uses whatever Nazi imagery is going and most significantly has declared himself a Satanist. As the moral majority goes into apoplexy and "right-minded" people everywhere try to get him banned from television and radio, the man who is named after serial killer Charles Manson and film star Marilyn Monroe watches his albums going to the top of charts on both sides of the Atlantic.

As myth-making goes, there's some very impressive stuff here: he is the illegitimate off-spring of Manson and Monroe; he has sex with donkeys on stage; swallows cats whole and force-feeds his audiences drugs; he entered into a pact with the devil to make him No 1 in the charts; he had two of his ribs removed so he could perform oral sex on himself; he cut off one of his own toes so he could inject heroin directly into the veins on the stump; he's really a woman; he's really black, etc. All the above is false and feverish Internet rumour-mongering about Manson: the irony is that the truth about Manson is at least as interesting. Now aged 29, he has published his autobiography, with the suitably spooky title of The Long Hard Road out of Hell, and it has zipped into the bestseller lists all around Europe and the US.

His fervent fan base and equally fervent critics seek therein some clues as to how the cute, smiling kid from small-town America (as pictured in the book) turned into a rock 'n' roll monster who can sell more records than Madonna and tour Bible Belt America preaching his self-styled doctrine of Satanism. Born Brian Warner, Manson was brought up in the small town of Canton, Ohio in a dysfunctional family (his father was a warscarred Vietnam vet and his mother was exceptionally violent). Raised on a diet of bad heavy metal and cheap horror stories, he started out as a music journalist (explains a lot) before staging his own "musical performances" where he first unveiled his gothmeets-industrial-meets-scary-lyrics trademark sound.

As just another plodding underground band, there was nothing to distinguish Marilyn Manson from the less-than-avant-garde pack, until he realised that he was in fact a Satanist. He explains: "Satanism is about worshipping yourself, because you are responsible for your own good and evil. Christianity's war against the devil has always been a fight against man's most natural instincts - usually for self-gratification - and a denial of man's membership in the animal kingdom. The idea of heaven is just Christianity's way of creating a hell on Earth . . . I'm not and have never been a spokesperson for Satanism, it's simply part of what I believe in..." - Irish Times Nov 20, 1998

As America had a fit of morality, and stories started circulating about what he got up to on stage (sacrificing animals, amputating limbs, hypnotising his audience - the usual), he linked up with a musical heavyweight, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. Reznor, who bought the house where members of Charles Manson's "family" had brutally murdered the actress Sharon Tate, signed Manson to his own label, Nothing Records. Manson's first two albums, Portrait Of An American Family (1994) and Smells Like Children (1995) were disjointed Dépèche Mode-meetsBauhaus affairs with little musical merit, but which made waves due to the curiousity factor surrounding him.

He was now followed around by a coterie of strippers, junkies and pimps and had developed a Grade A drug habit. He writes about the aftermath of a typical night out: "I was covered in hash browns and vomit, I had a bag of human bones under the bed, I had a Huggy Bear doll on the table that was filled with cocaine and I had just come to the realisation that I didn't care whether anyone I knew died so long as I didn't have to deal with it. On top of all that, there was a transvestite in a tutu smoking crack on the next bed to me." If nothing else, he can evoke a scene well.

The stage show became more flamboyant and he would make grandiose statements: "The day I became a Satanist also happened to be the day the allied forces of Christianity and conservatism began mobilising against me." Delusions of grandeur aside, his next album, Anti-Christ Superstar, went to the top of the charts and got him on to the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

In a neat reversal of John Lennon's 'bigger than Jesus' claim, he proclaims, "When the album entered the charts at No 3, I felt bigger than rock clubs, rock cocaine and feelgood rock, bigger than backstabbing, bullshit and shiny and/or happy people, bigger than most of the musicians I used to idolise. To some people, I was even bigger than Satan." Away from the tedious good versus evil arguments, he tries to broaden his manifesto somewhat in the book, as in this subphilosophical rant on the nature of contemporary US society: "The pitiful happiness of people really sickens me. And on TV, do people really live like this? Is this all a joke? Do we raise kids to believe in Baywatch, canned laughter, Jenny Jones? It's blind consumerism. Stupid people deserve what they get. They'd buy shirts that say 'I'm stupid' if Cindy Crawford told them it was cool." And possibly buy Marilyn Manson records as well.

With his new album, Mechanical Animals, topping the charts in the US and Britain and an impending European tour, what is most remarkable about Marilyn Manson's ascent so far is how similar it is to that of The Spice Girls - but on the other side of the pop coin. While his fan-base would undoubtedly gag on such a comparison, it remains true that both acts represent a triumph of style over content.

In much the same way that Joan Collins is famous for being famous, Manson is merely famous for being infamous. For all the outward manifestations of shock and horror, the idea of Manson as a dangerous subversive who threatens to undermine the very fabric of society is just a pitiful joke. Anti-Christ Superstar? Dream on.

Mechanical Animals by Marilyn Manson is on Nothing Records/ Universal.
His autobiography, The Long Hard Road Out of Hell is published by Plexus, price £12.99


Times, 23 October 1998

Shelf defence

Late-night shelf-stackers at an Asda store in Chadderton, near Oldham, saw off ram-raiders by pelting them with Christmas puddings. The four thieves, who had driven through a door, fled with only a few packets of cigarettes.


Are you sometimes tongue-tied,trying to get your true feelings out to that moron who cut you of the road, cut in line or to the bureaucrat who was talking to a friend instead of helping you. Well, here are a few new creative insults to help you along.

* It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* He must have fallen out of the family tree
* He has A room temperature IQ.
* He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
* If you give her a penny for her thoughts, you'll get change.
* A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice week.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, She only gargled.




John Landau, a once respected journalist for US music rag 'Rolling Stone' once made a complete prat of himself by uttering the immortal lines: "I have seen the future of Rock and Roll and its name is Bruce Springsteen."

That was the end of the old fool`s journalistic career - he ended up having to manage the career of "the future of Rock and Roll" and look what happened to him!

The last time I saw Brucie he was in a remote valley in Yorkshire being taught martial arts by a sheep......

.....but that is another story!

The only upshot being that ever since no music journo has dared proclaim that HE has seen the future of Rock and Roll because they are afraid of looking like complete Berks.

However the question remains. Was Bruce Springsteen the future of Rock and Roll?

Of course he wasn`t, for I HAVE seen the future of Rock and Roll and its name is CATTLEGRID!

Fronted by the notorious NAB TWINS and featuring YOCKENTHWAITE on coconut, KING ROGER on Keyboards ASKRIGG on guitar and the three incredibly saucy GRIDETTES on backing vox, this is a band to be reckoned with. In years to come generations of eager students working hard on their music GCSEs will dissect lyrics like:

When the lights go out everybody starts to shout
when the Nab Twins enter the room,
Guys look at their feet, they can`t compete,
as their girlfriends start to swoon"

and will realise that they are face to face with pure, unadulterated genius. Could the massively overrated OASIS have come up with a couplet like:

Cross The Grid
Cross The Grid
(Black tie, black shades, girls go furious)
Cross the Grid
Cross the Grid
You can`t get across if you are spurious!

Could they Pig?

ISMO SAYS RELEASE "cross the grid" AS A SINGLE. It makes "Bittersweet Symphony" seem like a bunch of whingeing pansies ripping off old Rolling Stones Riffs...

Single of the Week? More like Single of the Decade! - Atilla The Hen.

First CD Single (cat. no. HLC 14) contains:

Second CD Single (cat. no HLCX 14) contains:


The Nab Twins: The most teenage of the Rottentrolls.

Have been going through an irritating phase for the last two hundred years. Lounge around listening to loud music, practice for their appalling rock group "Cattle Grid", and like devising secret hand gestures. Favourite sayings "Outrageous" and "Radical" and then falling around laughing whilst everyone else sighs.


The Hit Label announces the signing of teen sensations The Nab Twins,, successful television stars from CITV`s Rottentrolls programme - currently enjoying a 14 week run until the end of the year on Wedensdays @ 4.25 p.m. ~ The twins and their band Cattle Grid, were discovered and signed on the spot at the warm-up gig of the infamous Ronsters Of Mock Festival. Legendary names from the world of A&R including Dodgy Aim, Dick Robbins and Boris Oversight had travelled up from London on the No 63 Bus to see the Twins perform! Chris Knight of the Mystery of Sound/Hit Label Imprint has been quoted as saying that they are the logical successors to The Prodigy.

'The lads were too big for one show', enthused Gruff Woodwind. 'There has been an extraordinary response from that valuable part of the youth 'market that has time on their hands, finishes work around four o'clock and then slops about in front of the telly wanting a good laugh. And, University Students, as well as kids love it too?'

The Nab Twins' fantastic remix of the single 'The Rottentrolls March' is a dance track and any resemblance to any other dance is purely intentional. It`s refreshing in this day and age to hear a band admit to the fact that their major influence is usually the last record they heard. 'Oh yeah,' says Guitarist Small Nab. 'One man`s sampling is another man's outright theft due to a fundamental absence of imagination, and we've always been quite happy to be in the latter category.'

Although technically puppets The Nab Twins aren't emotionally phased by their change of medium. 'Basically if we leave the show we'll go totally limp, and we need someone`s hand up us to put words in our mouths...No,1 think we'll feel very much at home in the music industry.'

The Official Rottentrolls Website:


Win a set of the two CD singles by being one of the first six people to tell us the name of the ancient Martial Art studied by The Nab twins` co-star Commander Harris.....




***** Fuck-off Brilliant
**** Pretty damn Good
*** Average but no Cigar, Mr President
** Could do better
* Shite

Chris Isaak "Speak of the Devil" (Reprise 9362 46849 2) ***

Oi Isaak No!!!!!! What happened to the moody strings? What happened to the high strangeness? What do you mean we`ve still got good songs and a great voice? He`s right you know. Once you get over the searing lack of violins and the awful front cover you are left with what is actually rather a nice album if you like that sort of thing. Bits of country, a snippet of rockabilly and some intelligent pop musings have produced a great late night record. I made the mistake of listening to this first thing in the morning and it sounded awful. 12 hours later, and with my consciousness suitably mellowed it sounded much better. Atilla the Hen

Judge John Jules and Boy George "Ministry of Sound: The Annual IV" (Ministry of Sound 4) *****

My Girlfriend was down the other week having given her family the slip sop that we could have an illicit weekend of debauchery. She made me feel most peculiar when she heard me listening to this album and told me that this was what her kids were into.. indeed THEY gop to the club itself and dance to the real thing! Well I`m too drunk, fat and old to risk ridicule in imitating them but I can give one hell of a chickenlike testimonial that thios is one fuck of an album. Nearly three hours of peerless dance music spread over two CDs. I even danced around the office until the office dog looked at me and barked until I stopped. The Boy dun good! Atilla the Hen

Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach Painted from Memory (Mercury 538 002-2) ****

Unlike most of the generation who came relatively unscathed thropugh the punk wars I have never been particularly fond of Declan McM`s musings although I have always been impressed by his continued willingness to experiment with all sorts of musical styles. Whilst I thought that his album with The Brodsky Quartet was largely unlistenable one had to salute the man for trying. However, as a bacharach devotee of long standing I had mixed feelings about the news that Burt and Dec were collaborating on an album. I needn`t have worried because once you get over the shock of THAT voice with THOSE melodies the combination is pretty damn glorious, and although it ain`t the best record I`ve heard all year it comes close, and will probably be one of the more longer lasting. Atilla the Hen

Jonathan Richman "The Best of Jonathan Richman - I must be King" (Cooking Vinyl COOKCD166) **

If this album was what it claimed to be it would be wonderful but it ain`t. It is NOT the "Best of Jonathan Richman" but a third rate live album of semi bootleg quality released to cash in with Richman`s appearance in the movie Something about Mary. This is shite and does no-one any favours. Pity - I like Richman and a good compilation covering his entire career from post Velvet Underground stylist to acoustic loony is long overdue. Atilla the Hen


Musings on life and music from Twitchy the tramp in his tawdry little ditch.

My rock & roll lifestyle ended me in trouble this week but I managed to turn the situation to my advantage. After my band 'Moist Haunches' split up I turned to the sauce quiet heavily. Five bottles of Methylated spirits landed me in hospital for a stomach pump. At 4 o'clock one morning I absconded from my ward and swiped an endoscope. What would a filth caked old dosser like me want with such an item ?

Press on gentle reader all shall become clear.

I hit upon a 100 carat idea to make my fortune, I would open a ZOO! This would be no ordinary zoological gardens oh no. Other zoos captive breed tigers, rhinos, and crocodiles but not mine .Twitchy`s personal space wildlife park is concerned with the conservation of human parasites, sadly declining in this age of lamentable hygiene.

On show are such magnificent specimens as the head louse and their flatter cousins the pubic lice. Visitors are fascinated by the different adaptations of these two species due to differing micro-environments. Old favourites are also on display with the fleas tea party (always popular with the kiddies) and rides on the ticks (not insects but relatives of spiders!)

Where other zoos have reptile houses I have an 'internal house'. This is where the endoscope comes into play. It enables visitors to view the amazing array of internal parasites I carry around inside me. These include giant tape worms, nematodes and my highly resilient liver flukes. I have not forgotten horticulture and have cultivated attractive gardens of athlete's foot and ringworm (both fungal infections). Business is booming. I charge adults (over 16) an old bacon rind and children / O.A.P.'s a piece of apple peel.



Prince, Prince, Prince, a bit more Prince, Portishead, and when we can get it together a letters page (write to us), a comic book section and book reviews, and much more......


Since we began in Cyberspace we have been reprinting a potted history of this project since its roots as a badly photocopied fanzine thingy a decade ago. If you still want to read this stuff you can access it thru our web-site. If you are heartily sick of it (as we are) you don`t have to.

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