ISMO The world`s only FREE weekly music magazine ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- issue 13 26th October ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EDITED AND COMPILED BY: Mr Slutto Sigsworthy Craggs Atilla the Hen (with the assistance of those jolly nice chaps at the Copyright Liberation Front) to subscribe go to http://www.members.tripod.com/~ismomag/ and follow the on-screen instructions (TWO VERSIONS ARE SENT OUT, ONE IN E.TEXT AND THE OTHER IN HTM. WE RECOMMEND THE HTM VERSION BUT SOME SERVERS CANNOT READ IT ) NOTE: We are in the process of changing our mail server. This will be done within the next forty eight hours and will make the subscriptions more easily automated. We apologise for any problems caused... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHO, WHY AND WHEN - (IF YOU READ THIS LAST WEEK SKIP THIS BIT IF NOT DON`T) Ten years ago a bunch of disaffected music journalists, anarchists and substance abusers started up a badly photocopied cut-and-paste fanzine called ISMO. It was named after a fictional anarchist group in the John Verney novel of the same name. Although we tried valiantly, the ethos of "dope, rock and roll, and fucking in the streets" (which we attempted to convey through interviews with various anarcho-bods past and present and through our dealings with various musical personages) never really jelled in the way that we would have wished. Despite the fact that ISMO became highly prestigious within the music business, not many people actually bought it - and after eleven issues we gave up. Then came the Internet... and we felt that it was time to try again. So we are back - and this time it`s ludicrous. It's also completely and utterly free. As well as the ongoing mishmash of weird and wonderful stuff on this ever-expanding home page ISMO the magazine is also back, now in the form of a weekly e.zine sent at no cost to the subscriber to your e.mail address once a week. The Revolution starts here.... Enjoy ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE GOSSIPING HEN EACH WEEK ATILLA - OUR INTREPID CAPON REVEALS THE RESULTS OF A FEW DAYS SPENT HANGING AROUND IN BARS WITH CELEBRITIES, LISTENING AT WINDOWS, AND BLAGGING DRINKS OFF P.R. MEN * The juciest bit of this week`s gossip has to be censored seriously to avoid us receiving a knock on the door from senor Plod. About ten years ago there was a bloke doing the rounds offering to sell what purported to be the genuine video tape of the Elvis Presley autopsy. It had a ridiculously high asking price and I dunno whether anyone actually bought it. Rumour has it that the man responsible for marketing (or attempting to market) this particularly tasteful vignette of rock`n`roll history was none other than RAY SANTILLI the chap who only a few years later made a mint by selling the notorious film of the so-called Roswell alien autopsy. Now, according to some of our spies inside the Western Area Serious Crimes Squad an artifact of similarly dubious taste is being circulated..... As pop watchers will no doubt be aware, a certain well known 1970`s pop icon is presently on bail awaiting trial on a variety of child porn related charges. The word is that some of the prosecution`s evidence (in the form of video tapes showing yer man in `performance`) have been pilfered and are being offered around the record collecting community for horribly high prices. We can`t confirm or deny this story but it IS the funniest one since the events of last summer when Charlie Manson wanted to meet The Spice Girls... FOR THOSE WHO MISSED IT......... ARCHIVE RE-RUN TIME: EVIL American killer Charles Manson is just dying to meet pop megababes the Spice Girls. The Satanic psychopath whose followers murdered seven people in 1969, including pregnant actress Sharon Tate, has become a big fan of the fab five. And sick Manson, 63, has told prison guards that he'd happily kill himself with a lethal injection if all five Spice Girls visit him. Hard luck Charlie there`s only four now - Sexie Sadie has left the building - but I digress... The drug-crazed weirdo, who befriended showbiz stars like Beach Boy Dennis Wilson, claimed the horrific killings had been carried out because of messages contained in The Beatles song Helter Skelter which appears on their 1968 double White Album. He escaped the death penalty but there is little chance of him ever being released from a high-security Californian prison. Sources in the jail claim Manson has become a huge fan of the Spice Girls from seeing their videos on the satellite music channel MTV. One guard revealed: "Manson claims that they are his main pleasure in life now and he'd die a happy man if he could meet them. He says he will kill himself with the injection right after the meeting but he insists that all five of the Spice Girls come to visit him. He's always liked young, attractive girls and has become fixated with the Spice Girls. He spends hours watching their videos on television. It's his only pleasure in life." But the weirdo killer's obsession sickened and horrified Mel B, Geri and the rest of the girls, who begin an eight-week American tour next month. ........ As we said Sexy Sadie errrrm Geri Halliwell disappeared on the eve of the US Tour could it have been because of the unwarranted attentions from ol` Charlie Boy and his followers. After all in his completely spurious book Moon The Loon one time Who gofer Dougal Butler chronicled the adverse affects that the Manson Girlies could have on an old fashioned Rawk and Rowll tour... Their spokeswoman said: "This is just too disgusting and horrible for words. No way will they be going to meet him and they would not dream of commenting on this." Manson was a paranoid schizophrenic who used to supply drugs to Hollywood stars. He had been squatting in Dennis Wilson's mansion before carrying out the killings. After being convicted, Manson and his gang were almost executed in the gas chamber, but their sentences were commuted in 1972 when California ended the death penalty. They are serving life instead. You gotta remember that like the rest of his family ol` Dennis was a complete fruitcacke as well. Alan Moore (who undoubtedly knows the score recently said: "One of the reasons I took so long to become a magician was because of some of the people surrounding the occult scene. They have a yawning emotional gulf inside them and bolster it with all this gothic shit. There's a certain sort of Aleister Crowley-ite who's into a middle class view of evil: they're aso into Charles Manson and piercing. I've nothing against romanticism. But there's romanticism and acting like a spaz." We agree entirely old pal, but you gotta admit the story about Charlie and the Spice Girls was extremely funny...... ......what a wonderful world we live in! * It also seems that ISMO faves JON DOWNES AND THE AMPHIBIANS FROM OUTER SPACE are back in the studio after the main man swore he`d never make another album after no-one bought the last one and his wife ran off with the keyboard player. The new CD tentatively entitled “Fuck `em if they can`t take a joke” is said to be the best thing he has recorded in years. As he hasn`t recorded ANYTHING in years this ain`t saying much, but we jest. We were given a sneak preview of two new tracks; “Doing the best that I can” and another so new that when we heard it it didn`t even have a title and wwe can truthfully say that this is the best stuff we have heard from the old bastard since the horribly recorded and unfairly ignored Sexgodbaby album in 1992. The new songs certainly piss on most of the last three albums and they were pretty good. It also seems that he has re-recorded a number of his older songs including “Nazi with a Hard On” and “The Mutant Sperm dance” and the word is that these will be included on some kind of bonus CD with the new album. However, the people he is currently working with say that he is so prolific at the moment that there is even talk of the new album being a double and if so it seems that the re- recordings will be saved for some sort of Greatest Hits collection. Let`s wait and see... * Another ISMO fave band ATHENRYE have been awfully quiet lately. The last thing that we received from them was a wonderful CD called The Last farewell which contained songs of such hardcore Irish Nationalist sentiments that it made The Wolfetones seem like B*witched. This is one fuck off great band, and the intrepid ISMO team are currently chasing them around cyberspace in order to do a feature on `em ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISSING LINKS (We`ve run out of space this time so there will be more URL links next week however.......) ISMO subscriber Paul Carter sent us this e-mail a couple of days ago.......... Yet another Stardust remix, this time by me!.... check it out:- http://members.xoom.com/dj_karta/ Being the fab far out bunch of perverts and social misfits that we are we have included his URL so you can all enjoy his meisterwork............ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WEIRD SCENES INSIDE THE GOLDMINE Peculiar music/art news from around the world DEAD COMPOSERS WRITE CLINTON-LEWINSKY TUNE PORTLAND, Maine (Wireless Flash) -- Even the dead are sick to death about hearing details concerning the Clinton scandal. That's the word from beyond according to a man who claims to regularly communicate with the deceased. The Reverend Speaker Gerald Polley, of Portland, Maine, claims the spirit world is giggling over a tune called "Monica" which allegedly is written and composed by four dead musicians. Some of the lyrics - which are sung to the melody of "Jesus Christ, Superstar" -- include... "Good old Bill/ He didn't lie/ But the stains on her dress blew his alibi". Polley says although the dead composers of the tune aren't well known, the very well known Beethoven and Bach occasionally help out on the other side by carrying equipment to ghostly concerts. Polley claims he was worried God might find the song offensive until Jesus Christ personally told him the song is funny and explained that God likes satire as long as it's true. EDITORIAL NOTE: There is a strange dearth of musical news this week. GEORGE MICHAEL has reportedly written a love song for the policeman who caught him masturbating in a public lavatory, IAN BROWN (ex Stone Roses) is in jail for threatening to cut the hands off an air stewardess during a drunken rampage on an international air flight. His latest tour is in jeapordy as a result but as the album is crap who cares? He does probably but no-one at the ISMO offices is gonna lose that much sleep over the matter. Pedo pop princess BILLIE had `flu last week, and there is at least one member of the ISMO staff who wouldn`t have minded mopping her fevered brow. However, as she is young enough to be the daughter of the rest of the gang the less said about that the better. There are specialist newsgroups for that kind of thing and we will not sully our pages with such filth. In the absence of any other music news, here are SOME items of stupidity that arrived on our electronic desk this week.... The news we have been waiting for - >>> OGLING WOMEN`S BREASTS IS GOOD FOR OUR HEALTH - OFFICIAL!!! Date: 20 October, 1998 6:20 PM Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staringat the charms of a well-endowed female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout," declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Bouncer. Dr. Bouncer and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Bouncer. "There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half." Dr. Bouncer suggested that men over the age of 40 spend at least 10 minutes a day looking at breasts sized "D-cup" or greater. "We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years." Dr. Bouncer says she would advise males to watch "jiggle" shows on TV, rent low-budget women-in-prison movies and peruse men's magazines such as Playboy as often as possible. The expert also listed several bosomy celebs whose headlights were most likely to yield a beneficial health effect. These amply endowed "angels of mercy" include Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith. Similarities between `The Titanic` video and Bill Clinton Similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton grand jury testimony video: Titanic: $9.99 on the Internet Clinton: $9.99 on the Internet Titanic: over 3 hours long Clinton: over 3 hours long Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe Titanic: villan - White Star Line Clinton: villan - Ken Starr Titanic: Jack is a starving artist Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist Titanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar Clinton: Ditto for Bill Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined Clinton: Ditto for Monica Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit Clinton: Let's not go there Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry Clinton: Monica forced to return her gifts Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PRICK UP YOUR EARS THE ISMO FEATURE: ADAMSKI First, two disturbingly different views of the "Adamski's Thing" CD ! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "ADAMSKI'S THING" ZTT: 114 CD Release date: 27 Oct 98 Prior to listening to this album I had had no experience of Adamski, but had him mentally tagged as a dance artist. To put it politely, I have a very dim opinion of dance music, so, when I heard this album, I was as surprised as the time I found a giant squid and the Crankies discussing existentialism in my shed. This is a highly original and entertaining album that I certainly would not define as 'dance'. Actually, it's quite hard to define. the nearest I can manage is a 1920's jazz musical hybridised with a sedated version of the band They Might be Giants. Tracks range from the 'get up and shake your booties' "Memories of the Future" to the weirdly haunting "Existential Boredom" - my personal favourite track, sounding like a ghostly version of incidental music from an early Tom & Jerry cartoon. Thoroughly recommended. ***** - Sigsworthy Crags This strikes me as, basically, rhythmic ambient dance with touches of funky pop-soul and techno, but it's ambience with balls - both in the arrangement and in the guitaring, sampling or other instruments (eg, harp) that pop up from time to time. Written, arranged and produced by Adamski, this CD is nicely programmed, with melodic arrangement and vocals. It's possibly one to space out to when you're near the end of a hectic rave or Saturday night party, and you're winding down, perhaps beginning to get a headache (especially if you're over 35), and you're the sort of person who likes listening to Tangerine Dream before crashing out. (Waddaya mean, fuck off you sad old git?) Adamski's said that "there's more to life than doing drugs and getting drunk," - but this album's quite OK for either pursuit. *** - Slutto ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BACKGROUND: ADAMSKI Adamski's first taste of stardom at the tender age of eleven when his first band Stupid Babies recorded a single 'Baby Sitters' for Fast Product Records (home of such punk luminaries as the Dead Kennedys), featuring Adamski on guitar and his five year old brother Dominic on vocals. Stupid Babies hit number 3 in the British indie charts. In the mid-80s Adamski started getting into house music and was amongst the first to perform house music live at clubs and raves such as Dungeons in East London. ‘Initially it was just a way of getting into clubs and parties without paying,’ says Adamski. ‘I couldn’t DJ and so would turn up with my keyboard and a bunch of friends and tell the bouncers, ‘We’re the band’ - and then tell the DJ to stop playing, and then I'd go on and perform...’ His first album, ‘Live & Direct’ (1989) reached the charts and included the top 20 hit 'NRC'. On his 1990 album 'Musical Pharmacy' he collaborated with Seal on the track 'Killer' and Seal and Adamsk started hanging out together, even doing gigs together. Adamski then took time out - to "concentrate on being a good father". I "began to realise that there was more to life than doing drugs and getting drunk. Now I'm far more influenced by doing things like laundry and going to Safeway's. Bringing up my daughter is so much more fulfilling than being a pop star." And now, afer a break of almost six years, Adamski returns... Adamski's Thing is a product of Adamski’s travelling, especially in Italy where, Excess Press tell us, "he spent a year eating pizaa in a medieval way and drinking flagons of wine..." Excess Press describe his 'Thing' album thus: ADAMSKI'S THING carries on from l992's 'Naughty', although it is more focused than its multi- vocalist predecessor. Many of the vocal duties are taken by New York house singer Gerideau, another contact facilitated by Jimi Polo. "I hadn't spoken to Jimi for about three years, and then one day I was walking out of the tube station [London's subway] when I had this really strong thought of Jimi. I got back home and there was a message from Jimi, left at exactly the same moment as he had entered my head so strongly." Jimi was calling to put Adamski in touch with Gerideau, and Adamski produced a few tracks for him and then asked him to sing on his new album... (Another guest on this album is Bluebell, Adamski's six year old daughter.) - Slutto. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UNLISTENABLE (CD REVIEWS) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whether you agree with what we have said about these albums or not we don`t really give a fuck. However, this is YOUR chance to agree or disagree with what we have written. Click on the album title to send your comments to us and if they are amusing or contentious enough we will add them to the reviews next time we update the site! Interactive ain`t we? (remember to specify which album you are reviewing) ***** Fuck-off Brilliant **** Pretty damn Good *** Average but no Cigar, Mr President ** Could do better * Shite ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Deke Leonard: Before Your Very Eyes (PNT PNTVF114CD) * Old prog rockers never die, they just end up sounding like Chas 'n' Dave This album from one time Man stalwart (who has after all been responsible for some quite good solo stuff (most noteably with his band Iceberg ) in the past sounds like nothing more than a third-rate mish mash of R&R cliches in the vein of Status Quo or the aforementioned Chas 'n' Dave . This album sucks. Avoid it at all costs unless you happen to be the owner of the second hand shop to which I shall be taking this hunk of shit in the very near future! Atilla the Hen ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pip Pyle: 7 Year Itch (Voiceprint VP 198CD) ** I was really looking forward to this album from original Gong drummer Pyle. I shouldn`t have bothered - it is a collection of horrid MOR by someone who really should have known better! It even contains a lacklustre version of a Beatles song done so badly that it sounds like the house band at a Traveller`s Rest somewhere up the M6. Atilla the Hen ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mainstream: Mainstream (NUDE 1cd) ** I think that it was a bad idea to call your band Mainstream even though that is a perfect encapsulation of the music that you make. Why NUDE recoprds who have given us such wonderful bands as Suede and Geneva have bothered with this rather uninspiring indie band whose only saving graces are the brass section (and according to Sigsworthy Crags three girls on the cover who made him want to masturbate wildly I dunno. Neither can make up for the lack of memorable songs. It`s been well over half a decade since the Happy Mondays and someone ought to tell this band that! Atilla the Hen ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elton Dean, Mark Sanders and Roberto Bellatalla: Into the Nierika (Blueprint 292CD) * What happens when you take an ex member of Soft Machine and put him into the studio with two muso types that you have never heard of? The answer is simple. They make an unholy row! By the way, three decades or more ago Elton Dean was playing in a third rate band called Bluesolology with a keyboard player called Reg who stole Dean's christian name and went on to make a twat of himself at a royal funeral! Atilla the Hen ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy 'Bo' Horne: Gimme Some (Westside WESM 550) **** I really like this album of late 1970`s Philedelphia funk from a label who should be congratulated for having brought so much obscure music from these times and this place into the public domain. This is particularly good, and although I hated this stuff at the time (being much more into grungy guitars and spikey hair) these slabs of eminently danceable R&B/Funk have lasted the pace far better than the punk music that I actually was listening to at the time. Funny orld world innit? Atilla the Hen ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMING SOON...... P.J.Harvey, They Might be Giants and much more...... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ISMO MAGAZINE IS, AND WILL REMAIN FREE. HOWEVER OFFERS OF SPONSORSHIP, GIFTS OF CASH, FREE RECORDS OR NUDIE BUM BUM PICTURES ARE ALWAYS GRATEFULLY ACCEPTED. SEND YOUR NEWS TO US AT su2223@eclipse.co.uk YOU CAN UNSUBSCRIBE AT ANY TIME BY E.MAILING US AT su2223@eclipse.co.uk ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------